What It Means
The phrase has two uses. (1) In everyday parenting, boundaries are the clear limits you set and keep, such as bedtimes, screen rules and how family members treat each other. (2) Boundaries with Kids is a book by psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend, who describe a boundary as a property line that shows where one person ends and another begins. Their aim is a child who takes responsibility for their own actions, attitudes and emotions and stops trying to control other people.
Try It: Flip the Cards on Boundaries With Kids
Tap each card to flip it. The first two come from Cloud and Townsend's book site, the rest from the AAP and CDC.
A boundary is a property line
It marks where one person ends and another begins, in Cloud and Townsend's words.
What a child owns
Their own actions, attitudes and emotions, which the book aims to help them take responsibility for.
Toddlers and preschoolers
Two or three clear rules at a time, per CDC, each paired with what to do instead.
School age
Privileges come with responsibilities, and expectations are explained ahead of time (AAP).
Teens
Clear boundaries sit alongside steady, unconditional support (AAP).
Every age
All caregivers keep the same rules, which CDC says leads to better behavior.
How Parents Say It
- "We need better boundaries around bedtime."
- "Your feelings are yours, and hitting isn't allowed."
- "Whose job is that, yours or mine?"
The Breakdown
What boundaries look like by age
| Age | What it looks like | Source |
|---|---|---|
| 2 to 4 years | Two or three clear rules at a time, each paired with the behavior you want | CDC |
| Preschool | Small chores with step-by-step directions, and choices you can accept | AAP, HealthyChildren.org |
| School age | Family expectations explained in advance, with privileges tied to responsibility | AAP, HealthyChildren.org |
| Teens | Clear boundaries balanced with unconditional support, daily conversation, and knowing their friends | AAP, HealthyChildren.org |
The book's ideas, in short. Cloud and Townsend's site says children aren't born understanding boundaries, and that a child without clear ones can end up trying to control others while being out of control themselves. The book covers setting limitsLimit settingDeciding and calmly holding the rules for what a child may and may not do, explained in words the child can understand and followed through every time. See more while staying a loving parent, age-appropriate boundaries and consequences, and teaching children to own their actions, attitudes and emotions. It's one pair of authors' approach; the AAP and CDC advice in the table stands on its own.
A way to start. Pick one area that causes daily friction, such as getting out the door in the morning. Decide what your child is responsible for, what you are responsible for, and what happens when a part is skipped, and tell your child before the next morning.
When to talk to the doctor. If your child's behavior is hard to manage whatever you try, or it's causing trouble at school or with friends, talk with your pediatrician or your child's school.
Good to Know
HealthyChildren.org (AAP) advises clear, consistent rules explained in words your child understands, and warns against spanking, yelling and shaming, which it says lead to more misbehavior over time. CDC adds that rules work better when every caregiver, including grandparents, supports them the same way.
FAQ
What does it mean to set boundaries with kids?
It means deciding the rules and expectations you'll hold, telling your child ahead of time, and keeping to them calmly. Cloud and Townsend also use it to mean teaching children what they're responsible for.
Who wrote Boundaries with Kids?
Psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend, as part of their Boundaries book series. The series' official site also lists a workbook and a companion book, Boundaries with Teens.
Are boundaries the same as limits?
They overlap. A limit is usually a specific rule about behavior, while boundaries can also cover what a child owns, like their choices and their feelings.
Do It in Buhata
Household Space, Handoff Card
Write down who owns which part of the morning routine as Tasks in your Household Space in Buhata, and add the house rules to your Handoff Card (Premium) so a sitter keeps the same boundaries.
Open BuhataRelated Terms and Categories
- Limit setting
Deciding and calmly holding the rules for what a child may and may not do, explained in words the child can understand and followed through every time.
- Age-appropriate chores
Household jobs matched to what a child can safely and realistically do at their age, growing in difficulty as they get older.
- Logical consequences
A consequence a parent sets up that is directly tied to what the child did, like toys left out being put away for the rest of the day.
- Authoritative parenting
A parenting style that pairs warmth and responsiveness with clear rules and high expectations. It is one of the four styles in parenting research.
Sources
Boundaries Books, "Boundaries with Kids (the book): How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Children"; Boundaries Books, "Why Are Boundaries with Kids Important?"; HealthyChildren.org (AAP), "What's the Best Way to Discipline My Child?"; CDC, "Tips for Creating Rules," Essentials for Parenting Toddlers
- www.boundariesbooks.com/products/boundaries-with-kids
- www.boundariesbooks.com/pages/why-are-boundaries-with-kids-important
- www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Disciplining-Your-Child.aspx
- www.cdc.gov/parenting-toddlers/structure-rules/rules.html
Last updated .