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Relationships and shared household

Terms for how the people who share a home split the work of running it.

A

Active listeningListening with full attention and showing you understood, by reflecting back what the other person said and felt before you reply with your own view.
Acts of serviceOne of Gary Chapman's five love languages: showing love by doing helpful things that lighten the other person's load, like a chore or an errand.

B

Bids for connectionA small attempt to get a partner's attention, interest or affection, such as a comment, a question or a touch, in the Gottman Institute's terms.

C

Cognitive laborThe thinking work of running a household: anticipating needs, finding options, making decisions and checking that things got done.
Criticism vs complaintA complaint names one specific behavior that bothered you, while criticism turns it into an attack on the other person's character, often with "you always".

D

DefensivenessAnswering a partner's complaint by protecting yourself with excuses, blame or a counter-complaint instead of hearing it, one of the Gottman Institute's four horsemen.

E

Emotional laborManaging your feelings and expressions as part of a paid job, a term from sociologist Arlie Hochschild; now also used for unpaid emotional work at home.
Equitable vs equalEqual means splitting something the same way for everyone; equitable means splitting it fairly given each person's circumstances, which may not be 50/50.

F

Fair Play methodEve Rodsky's system, from her book Fair Play, for splitting household work: partners deal out task cards, and each owns a card fully, from planning to doing.

I

I statementsA way of raising a problem by speaking about your own feelings and needs ("I feel ... when ...") instead of blaming the other person ("You always ...").
Invisible laborWork that keeps a home or workplace running but isn't recognized as work, often because it's unpaid or unseen, like planning, scheduling and remembering.

L

Learned helplessnessA psychology term for failing to use control you actually have, after repeated experience with stressful situations you couldn't control.
Love languagesGary Chapman's idea that people give and feel love in five main ways: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch.

M

Mental loadThe unseen work of noticing, planning and remembering everything a household needs, even when someone else carries out the task.

N

Nonviolent communicationMarshall Rosenberg's method for talking through conflict by stating an observation, a feeling, a need and a clear request, without blame.

P

Physical touchOne of Gary Chapman's five love languages: showing love through welcome, affectionate touch, such as hugs, holding hands or a hand on the shoulder.

R

Receiving giftsOne of Gary Chapman's five love languages: feeling loved through thoughtful gifts, where the thought and effort behind the gift matter more than its price.
Repair attemptAny word or gesture during an argument that tries to calm things down and keep it from escalating, like a joke, an apology or "can we take a break?"

S

Soft startupThe Gottman Institute's term for opening a hard conversation gently: how you feel about one specific situation and what you need, without blame.
State of the union meetingA weekly check-in, about an hour long, where a couple trades appreciations, notes what went well, then talks through one issue with understanding before solutions.
StonewallingShutting down during an argument by going silent, looking away and no longer responding, one of the Gottman Institute's four patterns that harm couples.

W

Words of affirmationOne of Gary Chapman's five love languages: showing love through spoken or written words, such as specific compliments, thanks and encouragement.