What It Means
A complaint and a criticism can start from the same problem. A complaint stays on one specific behavior and how it affected you: "The trash didn't go out last night, and now the cans are full." Criticism turns the same problem into a verdict on the person: "You never think about anyone but yourself." The Gottman Institute counts criticism among its four horsemen of harmful communication, and treats a complaint raised gently as the healthy alternative.
Try It: Sort Each Line as Criticism or Complaint
Sort each line. Hint: is it about one behavior, or about the person?
"You're so lazy. You never lift a finger around here."
Right. "Lazy" and "never" judge the person.It labels the person, so it's criticism."I was upset the dishes were still in the sink this morning."
Right. One behavior, one feeling.It names one event and a feeling, so it's a complaint."What is wrong with you? Who forgets their own kid's recital?"
Right. It attacks who they are."What is wrong with you" targets the person."We said we'd check before big purchases, and the TV surprised me. Can we talk about it?"
Right. Specific, and it asks to talk.It sticks to one purchase, so it's a complaint."You always make us late because you only care about yourself."
Right. "Always" plus a motive is criticism.Blaming their character makes it criticism.How It Sounds at Home
- "Can we talk about the trash without it turning into a fight?"
- "Can you say what bothered you without the 'you always'?"
- "That came out as criticism. Let me try again."
The Breakdown
Side by side
| Complaint | Criticism | |
|---|---|---|
| Aimed at | One specific behavior | The person's character |
| Typical words | "I felt ... when ..." | "You always", "you never", "what's wrong with you" |
| Time frame | This event | Every time, forever |
| What it asks for | A change or a conversation | Nothing clear, it passes judgment |
| Likely reply | A chance to fix it | DefensivenessDefensivenessAnswering a partner's complaint by protecting yourself with excuses, blame or a counter-complaint instead of hearing it, one of the Gottman Institute's four horsemen. See more |
Use a complaint when something specific bothered you and you want it to change. Say what happened, how you felt and what you'd like, all about the event.
If what comes out is criticism, stop and rephrase it. Turn "you never" into the one time it happened, and turn the label into a feeling and a request. The Gottman Institute's formula for a softer start is "I feel ... about ... and I need ...".
A way to start the conversation. "I want to bring up the trash. I felt stressed when the cans were full this morning. Can we agree whose turn it is each week?"
Where It Comes From
The distinction comes from Dr. John Gottman's research on couples, as published by the Gottman Institute, which names criticism as one of its four horsemen and gives the gentle start-upSoft startupThe Gottman Institute's term for opening a hard conversation gently: how you feel about one specific situation and what you need, without blame. See more as its antidote.
Good to Know
The Gottman Institute's advice for turning criticism into a complaint is to complain without blame, keep "you" out of the opening, talk about your own feelings with "I" statements and say what you need in a positive way. A separate Institute article covers the cycle between criticism and defensiveness. If a partner frightens, threatens, controls or hurts you, that's abuse rather than a communication problem. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential and open 24/7: call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788. In an emergency, call 911.
FAQ
What is the difference between criticism and a complaint?
A complaint focuses on a specific behavior and how it affected you. Criticism goes after the person's character, often with "always" or "never".
Is it okay to complain in a relationship?
Yes. The Gottman Institute treats a complaint, raised gently and without blame, as the healthy way to bring up a problem, and offers it as the alternative to criticism.
How do I turn criticism into a complaint?
Name the one event, say how you felt and ask for what you need. The Gottman Institute's soft start-up formula is "I feel ... about ... and I need ...".
Do It in Buhata
Household Space and Duty Rotation (Premium)
When the same chore keeps sparking complaints, set it up in Duty Rotation (Premium) in your Household Space in Buhata so whose turn it is is settled before anyone is upset.
Open BuhataRelated Terms and Categories
- Soft startup
The Gottman Institute's term for opening a hard conversation gently: how you feel about one specific situation and what you need, without blame.
- Defensiveness
Answering a partner's complaint by protecting yourself with excuses, blame or a counter-complaint instead of hearing it, one of the Gottman Institute's four horsemen.
- I statements
A way of raising a problem by speaking about your own feelings and needs ("I feel ... when ...") instead of blaming the other person ("You always ...").
Sources
The Gottman Institute, "The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes"; The Gottman Institute, "How to Fight Smarter: Soften Your Start-Up"; The Gottman Institute, "The Criticism Defensiveness Cycle"; National Domestic Violence Hotline, "Get Help"
- www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes
- www.gottman.com/blog/softening-startup
- www.gottman.com/blog/criticism-defensiveness-cycle
- www.thehotline.org/get-help
Last updated .