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Defensiveness

Answering a partner's complaint by protecting yourself with excuses, blame or a counter-complaint instead of hearing it, one of the Gottman Institute's four horsemen.

What It Means

Defensiveness is responding to a complaint by guarding yourself rather than listening to it. It can sound like an excuse ("I was busy"), a counterattack ("Well, you forgot last week"), or turning yourself into the injured party. The Gottman Institute lists defensiveness as one of its four horsemen, and its antidote is to take responsibility for at least part of the problem.

Try It: Swap a Defensive Reply for a Responsible One

Pick something your partner might say, then compare two replies. These are Buhata's examples.

"I was driving. What did you want me to do, crash?"

Taking responsibility for your part still leaves room to raise your own concern later.

How It Sounds at Home

  • "Why are you getting so defensive?"
  • "I'm just explaining why it happened."
  • "Okay, that part's on me."

The Breakdown

Signs of defensiveness

  • Answering a complaint with a complaint of your own.
  • Explaining why it wasn't your fault before your partner has finished.
  • "Yes, but" replies, or a sigh and an eye roll.
  • Feeling attacked by a request that was about one small thing.

A quick self-check. After a disagreement, replay your first sentence. If it started with an excuse, a "but" or something your partner did wrong, that was likely defensiveness. A first sentence that acknowledged any part of what they said was taking responsibility.

A way to start the conversation. Pick a calm time and own your side first: "I've noticed I jump to explaining myself when you bring things up. I'm going to try hearing you out first. Tell me if I slip."

Where It Comes From

In this sense the term comes from Dr. John Gottman's research on couples, which the Gottman Institute summarizes as the four horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewallingStonewallingShutting down during an argument by going silent, looking away and no longer responding, one of the Gottman Institute's four patterns that harm couples. See more. Each comes with an antidote, and for defensiveness it's accepting responsibility.

Good to Know

The Gottman Institute says that taking responsibility, even for only part of a conflict, stops it from escalating and opens the way to a compromise. You can accept your share while still raising your own concerns. If a partner frightens, threatens, controls or hurts you, that's abuse rather than a communication problem, and defending yourself from abuse is something else entirely. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential and open 24/7: call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788. In an emergency, call 911.

FAQ

What is the antidote to defensiveness?

The Gottman Institute's antidote is to take responsibility, even for a small part of the problem. Saying "that part's on me" lowers the temperature and lets the conversation move toward a fix.

Why do people get defensive?

Usually because a complaint feels like an attack. Criticism tends to draw defensiveness, and the Gottman Institute has written about that cycle. Raising problems gently, as a specific complaint, makes a defensive reply less likely.

Does taking responsibility mean admitting I was completely wrong?

No. The Gottman Institute's advice is to own your part of the conflict, even if it's only a piece, while still being free to say what concerns you.

Do It in Buhata

Household Space and Quick Poll

If the same household job keeps leading to "you said you would," settle who owns it with a Quick Poll in your Household Space in Buhata.

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Related Terms and Categories

  • Criticism vs complaint

    A complaint names one specific behavior that bothered you, while criticism turns it into an attack on the other person's character, often with "you always".

  • Stonewalling

    Shutting down during an argument by going silent, looking away and no longer responding, one of the Gottman Institute's four patterns that harm couples.

  • Repair attempt

    Any word or gesture during an argument that tries to calm things down and keep it from escalating, like a joke, an apology or "can we take a break?"

  • Active listening

    Listening with full attention and showing you understood, by reflecting back what the other person said and felt before you reply with your own view.

Relationships and shared household

Sources

The Gottman Institute, "The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes"; The Gottman Institute, "The Four Horsemen: Defensiveness"; The Gottman Institute, "How to Listen Without Getting Defensive"; The Gottman Institute, "The Criticism Defensiveness Cycle"; National Domestic Violence Hotline, "Get Help"

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