Financial infidelity

What It Means

Financial infidelity is hiding a money matter from a partner you share finances with, usually because you expect they'd object. It can be a secret purchase, a hidden account or credit card, debt they don't know about, or a lie about how much you earn. The National Endowment for Financial Education (NEFE) calls it financial deception in its polls, and The Gottman Institute, which studies couples, treats it as a breach of trust that a couple can work to repair.

How It Sounds at Home

• "I found a card statement I'd never seen before."
• "I'd have helped if you'd just told me."
• "We keep separate accounts, but we both know what's in them."

The Breakdown

A short example. Sam opens a store cardStore credit cardA credit card offered by a retailer, either usable only at that store or co-branded with a card network, often with store discounts and a higher APR. See more to cover holiday gifts and a phone upgrade, planning to pay it off before his wife, Jess, notices. The balance climbs to $3,200. He has the statements sent to his email and pays the minimum each month. Jess finds out when the card company calls about a late paymentLate paymentA payment that reaches the lender after its due date; on credit reports, one that's 30 days or more past due. See more.

Where it goes wrong. Jess is more shaken by the hiding than by the $3,200, because she now wonders what else she doesn't know, and every later purchase gets questioned. Secrets also tend to need more secrets to cover them, like the rerouted statements here.

What to watch for

• Statements or mail that go somewhere new, or apps the other person can't see.
• Vague answers about a purchase, a balance or a paycheck.
• Money rules you'd feel uneasy explaining to your partner.
• DefensivenessDefensivenessAnswering a partner's complaint by protecting yourself with excuses, blame or a counter-complaint instead of hearing it, one of the Gottman Institute's four horsemen. See more whenever the budgetBudgetA plan for a set period, usually a month, that lists the money you expect to receive and how you'll spend or save it. See more comes up.

A way to start the conversation. Pick a calm moment, bring everything, and start with your own part: "There's a card I haven't told you about, and I want to show you all of it." The Gottman Institute suggests laying out every statement, bill and account, then checkingChecking accountA bank or credit union account for everyday money going in and out, used by debit card, checks, transfers and direct deposit. See more in on money regularly until trust comes back.

Good to Know

NEFE's 2021 poll found about two in five U.S. adults who had combined finances with a partner admitted to some financial deception, the same share its 2016 survey found. The Gottman Institute suggests that repair starts with admitting the problem and full disclosure, and that a couples therapist or a certified financial plannerFinancial advisorA general job title for someone who helps with money and investment decisions; the title alone says nothing about their license, training or duty to you. See more can help partners talk about money more openly. Hiding a purchase is different from one partner controlling all the money or blocking the other's access to it; if that is happening to you, a domestic violence advocate can help you plan safely.

Related Terms and Categories

• Joint account

  A bank or credit union account owned by two or more people, each of whom can usually deposit, withdraw, move money or close it.

• Shared expenses

  Costs two or more people agree to split, such as rent, utilities, groceries or a shared subscription, as opposed to costs each person covers alone.

• Money mindset

  The beliefs and attitudes about money you carry, many of them learned in childhood, that shape how you spend, save and talk about it.

• Financial anxiety

  Ongoing worry or unease about money, your bills or how you handle your finances, sometimes with physical signs such as lost sleep.

Household money and budgeting