Friendship maintenance

What It Means

Friendship maintenance is the ongoing effort two people put into keeping a friendship alive once it exists: staying in touch, showing up, sharing what's going on and making the time together pleasant. A 2004 study by Debra Oswald, Eddie Clark and Cheryl Kelly in the JournalJournalingWriting down your thoughts and feelings, in a notebook or an app, to understand them more clearly and to see what's behind your stress. See more of Social and Clinical Psychology grouped it into four behaviors: positivity, supportiveness, openness and interaction.

How People Say It

• "We used to talk every day, and now it's a text on birthdays."
• "I've been a bad friend lately, I need to call her."
• "Let's put a standing date on the calendar so we actually see each other."

The Breakdown

Signs a friendship needs some maintenance

• You realize it's been months since you really talked.
• You hear their news secondhand.
• Plans keep getting canceled and nobody reschedules.
• You only reach out when you need something.

What the 2004 study found. Oswald, Clark and Kelly found that best friends used more maintenance behaviors than close or casual friends, and that both people's efforts were tied to how satisfied and committed each felt. In their sample, women's same-sex friendships reported more supportiveness, openness and interaction than men's.

Small ways to keep it going (Buhata's suggestions)

Starting the conversation. "I miss you and I've been bad at keeping in touch. Want to set a monthly walk so it doesn't slip again?"

Good to Know

The 2023 Surgeon General advisory on lonelinessLonelinessThe painful feeling that you lack close, meaningful relationships or a sense of belonging, whether or not other people are around you. See more linked poor social connection to higher risks of heart disease, stroke and early death, and CDC's tips for staying connected start with something as small as a conversation with a friend, neighbor or coworker. In December 2023 the Surgeon General also launched a 5-for-5 Connection Challenge to get people reaching out. If a friend tells you they're thinking about suicide, they can call or text 988 (the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline), and call 911 in an emergency.

Related Terms and Categories

• Loneliness

  The painful feeling that you lack close, meaningful relationships or a sense of belonging, whether or not other people are around you.

• Self-care

  Taking time to do things that help you live well and look after your physical and mental health, such as moving, sleeping, resting and staying in touch.

• Gratitude journal

  A notebook or app where you regularly write down specific things you're grateful for, often up to five at a time, once a week.

• Friendship skills

  The abilities that help a child make and keep friends, such as sharing, taking turns, joining in, handling disagreements and caring how a friend feels.

• Mental load

  The unseen work of noticing, planning and remembering everything a household needs, even when someone else carries out the task.

• Self-compassion

  Treating yourself with the kindness you'd offer a friend when you struggle; researcher Kristin Neff describes three parts: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.

Wellbeing and habits