Self-Compassion: Kristin Neff's Three Parts, With Examples

What It Means

Self-compassion is responding to your own pain, mistakes and shortcomings with care instead of harsh criticism. Kristin Neff, a researcher at the University of Texas at Austin, defines it with three parts: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. Together they mean being gentle with yourself, remembering that everyone struggles, and noticing painful feelings without being swept away by them.

Try It: Flip Through the Three Parts of Self-Compassion

Open each card to see one of Neff's three parts and an example of what it can sound like. The examples are Buhata's.

1. Self-kindness

Being caring and understanding with yourself when you fail or hurt, instead of harshly judging yourself.

Instead of "I'm an idiot for missing that deadline," try "That was a rough week. What do I need to catch up?"

2. Common humanity

Seeing your struggles as part of being human, since everyone makes mistakes and feels inadequate sometimes.

Instead of "Everyone else has it together," try "Lots of parents feel like this at bedtime."

3. Mindfulness

Noticing painful thoughts and feelings in a balanced way, without blowing them up or pushing them away.

Instead of "This is a disaster," try "I'm feeling embarrassed right now, and that's hard."

How People Say It

"I'm trying to talk to myself like I'd talk to a friend."
"Everyone messes up, I'm not the only one."
"Go easy on yourself, you've had a hard week."

The Breakdown

Signs you could use more self-compassion

You'd never speak to a friend the way you speak to yourself after a mistake.
One slip makes you feel like a failure as a whole person.
You assume you're the only one who struggles with something.
You either ignore painful feelings or can't stop dwelling on them.

A short self-check. Think of a recent mistake. Ask three questions, one for each of Neff's parts: Was I kind to myself about it? Did I remember other people go through this too? Could I name how I felt without getting lost in it? Each "no" points to the part to practice.

A way to start. Buhata's suggestion: the next time you catch yourself being harsh, pause and ask what you'd say to a close friend in the same spot. Then say that to yourself, out loud or on paper.

Starting the conversation. If self-criticism is wearing you down, it's worth telling someone: "I'm really hard on myself, and it's getting in the way. Can you help me find someone to talk to?"

Where It Comes From

The three-part definition comes from Kristin Neff, a researcher at the University of Texas at Austin, who set it out in her paper "Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization" and built the Self-Compassion Scale to measure it. Her site, self-compassion.org, hosts both.

Good to Know

Talk to a doctor or a licensed mental health professional if harsh self-criticism is frequent or gets in the way of daily life. If you're thinking about suicide or are in crisis, call or text 988 (the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline). Call 911 in an emergency.

FAQ

What are the three parts of self-compassion?

Kristin Neff names self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. Being kind instead of harsh, remembering you're not alone in struggling, and holding painful feelings in balance.

How do I practice self-compassion?

Use Neff's three parts as a check after a hard moment: be kind to yourself, remember other people struggle too, and name the feeling without getting lost in it. Buhata's suggestion is to ask what you'd say to a close friend, then say it to yourself.

Who came up with the idea of self-compassion?

Kristin Neff, a researcher at the University of Texas at Austin defined it with three parts and created the Self-Compassion Scale. Her site, self-compassion.org, explains the three parts.

Do It in Buhata

Notes (Premium)

Keep a note that belongs to no day in Notes (Premium) in Buhata with the three questions from the self-check, and answer them after a hard day.

Open Buhata

Related Terms and Categories

Negative self-talk
The harsh, critical or gloomy things you say to yourself in your head, such as "I always mess this up," often out of proportion to what happened.
Self-care
Taking time to do things that help you live well and look after your physical and mental health, such as moving, sleeping, resting and staying in touch.
Mindfulness
Paying attention to what's happening in the present moment, such as your breath, your body, your thoughts and your surroundings.
Perfectionism
Holding yourself or others to standards so high they can't be met, and judging yourself harshly when they aren't.
Self-esteem
How a person feels about themselves and what they can do. In a child, healthy self-esteem shows as feeling liked, accepted and able to try again after a mistake.
All-or-nothing thinking
A thinking pattern that sees things in only two extremes, total success or total failure, with nothing in between; also called black-and-white thinking.

Wellbeing and habits

Sources

Kristin Neff, self-compassion.org, "What Is Self-Compassion?"; Kristin D. Neff, "Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization," via self-compassion.org; Kristin D. Neff, "The Self-Compassion Scale," via self-compassion.org; 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline

Last updated October 1, 2026.