What It Means
Nonviolent Communication, often shortened to NVC, is a way of speaking and listening developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. It has four parts: what you observed, how you feel about it, the need behind that feeling, and a specific request. The observation is meant to be what a video camera would have recorded, kept apart from judgment, and a request leaves the other person free to say no.
Try It: Observation or Judgment?
NVC starts with an observation, not a judgment. Decide which each sentence is.
1. "You're always late."
Right. "Always" is a verdict, not something a camera records.
Look again. A camera can't film "always."
2. "You arrived at 7:20 for our 7:00 dinner."
Right. Times anyone could check.
Look again. It only states what happened.
3. "You never help with the dishes."
Right. "Never" turns one evening into a verdict.
Look again. "Never" is a judgment.
4. "Sunday's dishes are still in the sink."
Right. That's what anyone walking into the kitchen would see.
Look again. It describes the sink, not the person.
All four. Next comes the feeling, the need and the request.
How It Sounds at Home
- "Let's try that again, NVC style."
- "What I'm needing right now is a bit of rest."
- "Would you be willing to take the trash out tonight?"
The Breakdown
Signs a conversation could use NVC
- Talks about chores or money turn into arguments about character.
- Words like "always" and "never" come up often.
- Requests sound like demands, so the answer is a defensive no.
- One person ends up guessing what the other actually wants.
The four steps, with a household example
| Step | What it means | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Observation | What happened, as a camera would record it | "The recyclingRecyclingCollecting used materials such as paper, cardboard, glass and some plastics so they can be processed and made into new products. See more has been by the door since Thursday." |
| Feeling | How you feel about it | "I feel frustrated." |
| Need | The need behind the feeling | "I need the entryway clear so the house feels calm." |
| Request | A specific, doable ask the other person can decline | "Would you take it out tonight?" |
A short self-check. Before a hard conversation, write your opening line. Cross out "always", "never" and any word that describes the other person's character, then see if what's left is something a camera could film.
A way to start the conversation. "Can I tell you something that's been on my mind? When the plans changed Friday without a text, I felt worried, because I need to know where things stand. Would you send a quick message next time plans change?"
Where It Comes From
Marshall B. Rosenberg, who earned a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Wisconsin in 1961 and studied under Carl Rogers, began developing the method in the 1960s in federally funded school integration projects, where he offered mediation and communication skills training. He founded the Center for Nonviolent Communication in 1984 and wrote Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, which the center says has been translated into more than thirty languages. Rosenberg died in 2015.
Good to Know
NVC is a communication method, not therapy. It works best when both people feel safe enough to talk. If a partner frightens, threatens, controls or hurts you, that's abuse rather than a communication problem. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential and open 24/7: call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788. In an emergency, call 911.
FAQ
What are the four steps of Nonviolent Communication?
Observation, feeling, need and request. You say what happened without judgment, how you feel, what need is behind the feeling, and a specific thing you'd like the other person to do.
Who created Nonviolent Communication?
Psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg, who began developing it in the 1960s and founded the Center for Nonviolent Communication in 1984.
What makes a good request in NVC?
It names something specific and doable, and it leaves the other person free to say no, because it takes their needs into account too. "Would you take the recycling out tonight?" works better than "Stop being so messy."
Do It in Buhata
Household Space and Quick Poll
Use Quick Poll in your Household Space to pick a calm time to talk, then open with your observation, feeling, need and request.
Open BuhataRelated Terms and Categories
- I statements
A way of raising a problem by speaking about your own feelings and needs ("I feel ... when ...") instead of blaming the other person ("You always ...").
- Active listening
Listening with full attention and showing you understood, by reflecting back what the other person said and felt before you reply with your own view.
- Soft startup
The Gottman Institute's term for opening a hard conversation gently: how you feel about one specific situation and what you need, without blame.
- Criticism vs complaint
A complaint names one specific behavior that bothered you, while criticism turns it into an attack on the other person's character, often with "you always".
Sources
Center for Nonviolent Communication, "Founder of our organization, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg"; Center for Nonviolent Communication, "The Heart of Nonviolent Communication"; PuddleDancer Press, "Giraffe Talk Nonviolent Communication"; National Domestic Violence Hotline, "Get Help"
- www.cnvc.org/about/marshall
- www.cnvc.org/stageit/store/the-heart-of-nonviolent-communication
- nonviolentcommunication.com/resources/articles-about-nvc/giraffe-talk-lclayton
- www.thehotline.org/get-help
Last updated .