Active listening

What It Means

Active listening is listening to understand, and showing that you did. You give the speaker your full attention, hold back your own opinion for the moment, and reflect back what you heard, including the feeling behind the words. The idea grew out of psychologist Carl Rogers's work, which stressed reflective listening, empathy and acceptance, and research articles also call it reflective or therapeutic listening.

How It Sounds at Home

• "Let me make sure I've got this right."
• "So what I'm hearing is you're exhausted."
• "I'm putting my phone down. Go ahead."

The Breakdown

Signs you're not quite listening

• You're planning your answer while the other person is still talking.
• You offer a fix before they've finished explaining.
• You turn the conversation to your own similar storyUser storyA short description of something a product should do, written from the point of view of the person who needs it, often in the form "As a, I want, so that." See more.
• They repeat themselves, louder.

How to do it, in four steps. These are Buhata's suggestions, built on the reflective listening described in the sources:

1. Stop what you're doing and look at the person.
2. Let them finish without interrupting or correcting.
3. Reflect back the main point and the feeling: "So you're worried the bill will be higher this month."
4. Ask before advising: "Do you want ideas, or do you mostly want to vent?"

A quick self-check. In your next conversation, count how often you reflect before you respond. If you go straight to advice most of the time, try step 3 once each time.

A way to start the conversation. "I think I jump to fixing things when you just want me to hear you. Tell me when I do that, and I'll try reflecting back first."

Where It Comes From

Peer-reviewed listening research on PubMed Central cites "Active Listening," a 1957 paper by Carl Rogers and Richard Farson published by the Industrial Relations Center at the University of Chicago. Rogers developed person-centered therapy, in which reflecting a client's words and feelings is a core skill.

Good to Know

Rogers proposed that people who feel listened to without judgment become more relaxed and less worried about how they're being evaluated, according to a PubMed Central article on high-quality listening. In the Gottman Institute's weekly state of the union meetingState of the union meetingA weekly check-in, about an hour long, where a couple trades appreciations, notes what went well, then talks through one issue with understanding before solutions. See more, the listener's first job is the same: understand your partner's feelings before giving advice. Reflecting a feeling doesn't mean agreeing with it, so you can listen fully and still disagree later.

Related Terms and Categories

• I statements

  A way of raising a problem by speaking about your own feelings and needs ("I feel ... when ...") instead of blaming the other person ("You always ...").

• State of the union meeting

  A weekly check-in, about an hour long, where a couple trades appreciations, notes what went well, then talks through one issue with understanding before solutions.

• Bids for connection

  A small attempt to get a partner's attention, interest or affection, such as a comment, a question or a touch, in the Gottman Institute's terms.

• Nonviolent communication

  Marshall Rosenberg's method for talking through conflict by stating an observation, a feeling, a need and a clear request, without blame.

Relationships and shared household