What It Means
Rituals of connection are small, predictable things people do together on purpose, again and again, so that closeness doesn't depend on having free time. The Gottman Institute, which publishes relationship and parenting advice, uses the term for dependable ways of turning toward another person. It applies it to couples and to parents and children: a goodbye kiss, a bedtime chat, a weekly walk.
Try It: Add Up a Week of Rituals of Connection
Enter three rituals you have, or want, and how long each takes. Example numbers to start.
Short and regular is the idea: what counts is that everyone can rely on it happening.
How Parents Say It
- "Pancakes on Saturday, same as always."
- "It's our thing: three good things before lights out."
- "We don't talk about logistics on the walk."
The Breakdown
Ideas by age. These are Buhata's own examples, built on the Gottman Institute's description of rituals as reliable, repeated moments of connection.
| Age | A ritual to try |
|---|---|
| Baby | The same song at every diaper change or bedtime |
| ToddlerToddlerA child from 1 to 3 years old, the stage CDC's parenting guidance places between infancy and the preschool years. See more | A special goodbye at drop-off, the same words every day |
| School age | Ten phone-free minutes after school before homework |
| TweenTweenA child in the years just before becoming a teenager, roughly the late elementary and middle school years. Another word for preteen. See more | A weekly errand or snack run, just the two of you |
| Teen | A standing late-night check-in, on their schedule |
| Couple | A kiss and a real question before you both leave for the day |
How to start one. Pick a moment that already happens every day, like waking up, leaving, reuniting or bedtime. Add one small, repeatable thing to it. Keep it short enough that a busy day can't knock it out, and let your child help name it or shape it.
When to talk to someone. If reconnecting with your child feels hard most days, or conflict keeps crowding out the good moments, your pediatrician or a family therapist is a good place to start.
Where It Comes From
The phrase is closely tied to the Gottman Institute, which writes about rituals of connection for couples, families and even coworkers and sells card decks under that name. In the Gottman Institute's writing, rituals come under the heading of creating shared meaning in a relationship.
Good to Know
The Gottman Institute's parenting articles describe rituals of connection with children as activities done on purpose and consistently to help the two of you feel close. Its articles stress the small, repeated moments, so a short ritual that really happens every day fits the idea better than a big plan that keeps slipping. If a ritual starts to feel like a chore to your child, change it together rather than dropping it without a word.
FAQ
What are rituals of connection?
Small, predictable things you repeat with someone to stay close, such as a goodbye kiss, a bedtime chat or a weekly walk. The term comes from the Gottman Institute's writing on relationships and families.
Can rituals of connection help with a child's big emotions?
One Gottman Institute parenting article calls them an antidote to big emotions and challenging behaviors, and describes them as activities you do with your child intentionally and consistently. If your child's behavior worries you, talk to your pediatrician.
How long does a ritual of connection need to take?
There's no set length. The Gottman Institute's examples range from a kiss goodbye to a weekly date nightDate nightTime a couple sets aside on a regular basis to spend together as partners, away from household logistics, often weekly. See more; what matters is that it happens reliably.
Do It in Buhata
Calendar and Household Space
Put your family's weekly rituals on the Calendar in a Household Space in Buhata so everyone can see when the next one happens.
Open BuhataRelated Terms and Categories
- Quality time with kids
Time a parent spends giving a child full, undistracted attention, like a few minutes of one-on-one play where the child leads.
- Family routines
The regular, predictable ways a household handles the repeating parts of the day, such as mornings, meals, homework, chores and bedtime.
- Bids for connection
A small attempt to get a partner's attention, interest or affection, such as a comment, a question or a touch, in the Gottman Institute's terms.
Sources
The Gottman Institute, "Daily Rituals of Connection"; The Gottman Institute, "5 Rituals to Reconnect in Your Relationship"; The Gottman Institute, "Rituals of Connection: The Antidote to Big Emotions and Challenging Behaviors"; The Gottman Institute, "The Power of Everyday Connection: Why Family Rituals Matter"; The Gottman Institute, "Create Shared Meaning: Examining Your Rituals"; The Gottman Institute, "Rituals of Connection Card Decks"
- www.gottman.com/blog/3-daily-rituals-that-stop-spouses-from-taking-each-other-for-granted
- www.gottman.com/blog/5-rituals-reconnect-relationship
- www.gottman.com/blog/rituals-of-connection-the-antidote-to-big-emotions-and-challenging-behaviors
- www.gottman.com/blog/the-power-of-everyday-connection-why-family-rituals-matter
- www.gottman.com/blog/create-shared-meaning-examining-rituals
- www.gottman.com/product/rituals-of-connectionopportunity-cards
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