What It Means
A bid for connection is any small move one person makes to reach another: a remark about something outside the window, a question, a joke, a sigh meant to be noticed, a hand on the arm. The Gottman Institute describes three ways to answer a bid. Turning toward means acknowledging it, turning away means ignoring or missing it, and turning against means brushing it off in an irritated or hostile way.
Try It: Toward, Away or Against?
Your partner says, "Look at that bird on the fence." Sort each reply.
"Huh, it's huge. Is that a hawk?"
Right. You noticed and joined in.This one takes up the bid, so it turns toward.No answer, eyes still on the phone.
Right. The bid was missed or ignored.Silence with no hostility is turning away."Can you not interrupt me every five minutes?"
Right. The bid got an irritated rebuff.The snap makes this turning against."I'm in the middle of this, but show me in two minutes?"
Right. A kind "not yet" still acknowledges the bid.It acknowledges the bid and offers time, so it turns toward.How It Sounds at Home
- "I was trying to tell you about my day."
- "She keeps sending me memes, that's her bid."
- "Sorry, I missed that. Say it again?"
The Breakdown
Signs bids are being missed
- One of you often says "never mind" halfway through a storyUser storyA short description of something a product should do, written from the point of view of the person who needs it, often in the form "As a, I want, so that." See more.
- Small comments get no answer because a screen wins.
- Bids have turned into complaints, like "you never listen."
- One partner has stopped sharing small things at all.
A quick self-check. For one evening, count the small things your partner says or does to get your attention, and how you answered each. Bids are easy to miss because they're small: "Did you see this?" or a long sigh. If most went unanswered, that's the habit to work on. You don't have to drop everything; a short acknowledgment and a time to come back counts as turning toward.
A way to start the conversation. "I read that small moments, like answering when you point something out, matter a lot. I think I've been missing yours. What's one thing you'd like me to notice more?"
Where It Comes From
The term comes from Dr. John Gottman's research on couples, and the Gottman Institute uses it alongside "turning toward" in its writing. In a study of newlyweds followed up six years later, the Institute reports, couples still married had turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time, and couples who had divorced only 33% of the time.
Good to Know
According to the Gottman Institute, when couples split up it's more often from resentment and distance that build as bids keep getting turned away than from big fights. The Institute also has an article on why turning against a partner's bids is so harmful. Bids happen between parents and children and between friends too, and the Institute writes about rituals of connectionRituals of connectionSmall, predictable routines a family or couple repeats to stay close, like a bedtime chat or a Sunday walk. The term is the Gottman Institute's. See more as one way to make turning toward a habit.
FAQ
What is an example of a bid for connection?
Pointing out something funny, asking how a call went, reaching for a hand or sending a photo. Any small attempt to get the other person's attention, interestInterest rateThe yearly percentage a lender charges for borrowing money, not counting fees; the APR adds certain fees to show a fuller cost. See more or affection counts.
What does turning toward a bid mean?
Acknowledging it, even briefly. A nod, a question back or "show me in a minute" all count. Turning away is ignoring the bid, and turning against is answering it with irritation.
How often do happy couples respond to bids?
The Gottman Institute reports that in Dr. John Gottman's newlywed study, couples who were still married six years later turned toward bids 86% of the time, compared with 33% for couples who divorced.
Do It in Buhata
Household Space and Calendar
Put a short daily check-in on the Calendar in your Household Space in Buhata, so there's one moment each day when bids get your full attention.
Open BuhataRelated Terms and Categories
- Rituals of connection
Small, predictable routines a family or couple repeats to stay close, like a bedtime chat or a Sunday walk. The term is the Gottman Institute's.
- Repair attempt
Any word or gesture during an argument that tries to calm things down and keep it from escalating, like a joke, an apology or "can we take a break?"
- State of the union meeting
A weekly check-in, about an hour long, where a couple trades appreciations, notes what went well, then talks through one issue with understanding before solutions.
Sources
The Gottman Institute, "Turn Towards Instead of Away"; The Gottman Institute, "Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids"; The Gottman Institute, "An Introduction to Emotional Bids and Trust"; The Gottman Institute, "Why Turning Against Your Partner's Bids Is So Harmful"
- www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away
- www.gottman.com/blog/want-to-improve-your-relationship-start-paying-more-attention-to-bids
- www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotional-bids-and-trust
- www.gottman.com/blog/why-turning-against-your-partners-bids-is-so-harmful
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