What It Means
Date night is a regular block of time a couple keeps for each other, to enjoy each other's company as partners rather than as co-managers of a household. It can be a night out or an evening at home once the house is quiet. The Gottman Institute, which publishes relationship advice, lists a weekly date night among the reliable rituals that keep partners close.
Try It: Pick a Date for the Time You Have
Choose the time you really have this week. The ideas come from the Gottman Institute's suggestions.
Take-out and a movie at home, or write a list together of 50 things you're grateful for.
A drive-in movie, or a drive to a spot with a good view of the night sky.
An online class you take together, or a shared hobby or home project.
Leave the kids, work and household jobs off the agenda for the evening, and ask open-ended questions instead. Bills can have their own time.
Ask questions that need more than a yes or no, and take turns planning the next one.
How It Sounds at Home
- "Thursday's date night, so don't book anything."
- "Your turn to plan this week."
- "Can your mom watch the kids Saturday so we can get out?"
The Breakdown
How to make it a habit
- Agree on a regular slot, such as every Thursday after bedtime or the second Saturday of the month, and put it on the shared calendar.
- Sort the logistics early: a sitter, a babysitting swap with friends, or simply an evening at home after the kids are asleep.
- Take turns planning, as the Gottman Institute suggests, so one person isn't always the organizer.
- Keep it simple. The Gottman Institute says a date doesn't have to be elaborate.
- During the date, ask open-ended questions and leave the kids, work and household jobs for another time.
- If a date gets canceled, move it to another night that week instead of skipping it.
Short version to try this week. Pick one evening, order take-out, put phones in another room after the kids are in bed, and ask, "What's something you're looking forward to this year?"
Ideas from the Gottman Institute
| Setting | Ideas |
|---|---|
| At home | Dinner and a movie with take-out; a list of 50 things you're grateful for; a list of what you want to do together in the next 5 years |
| Out | A drive-in movie; a spot with a good view of the night sky |
| Doing something together | An online class; a shared hobby or home project |
Good to Know
The Gottman Institute describes date night as time to keep learning about each other, which it calls building love maps, and suggests turning toward each other rather than catching up on chores. That's why the household business goes elsewhere: a couple who wants a set time for money can keep a separate money date for it. If date nights keep ending in the same argument, a couples therapist is a good next step.
FAQ
How often should couples have a date night?
The Gottman Institute's examples include a weekly date night among the rituals that keep partners close. If weekly isn't possible, a regular slot you actually keep, such as twice a month, is the place to start.
What should we avoid talking about on a date night?
The Gottman Institute suggests leaving the kids, work and household responsibilities out of it, and asking open-ended questions about each other instead.
What are cheap date night ideas at home?
The Gottman Institute suggests dinner and a movie with take-out, writing a list together of 50 things you're grateful for, or planning what you want to do together over the next 5 years.
Do It in Buhata
Calendar and Household Space
Put date night on the Calendar in your Household Space in Buhata as a repeating event, so both of you see it before anything else gets booked.
Open BuhataRelated Terms and Categories
- Rituals of connection
Small, predictable routines a family or couple repeats to stay close, like a bedtime chat or a Sunday walk. The term is the Gottman Institute's.
- Bids for connection
A small attempt to get a partner's attention, interest or affection, such as a comment, a question or a touch, in the Gottman Institute's terms.
- Active listening
Listening with full attention and showing you understood, by reflecting back what the other person said and felt before you reply with your own view.
Sources
The Gottman Institute, "6 Hours a Week to a Better Relationship"; The Gottman Institute, "Do You Have Time for a Date?"
- www.gottman.com/blog/6-hours-a-week-to-a-better-relationship
- www.gottman.com/blog/do-you-have-time-for-a-date
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