Buhata
Login Start for Free

Home › Life Terms

Parenting and child development

Self-esteem

How a person feels about themselves and what they can do. In a child, healthy self-esteem shows as feeling liked, accepted and able to try again after a mistake.

What It Means

Self-esteem is how a person feels about themselves: whether they think they're capable, likable and worth something. Nemours KidsHealth describes children with healthy self-esteem as feeling liked, accepted and confident, and proud of what they can do. It matters because it helps children handle mistakes and keep trying after a first failure, at school, at home and with friends.

Try It: Check for Signs of Low Self-Esteem

Tick any sign you've noticed in your child over the past few weeks. The signs come from HealthyChildren.org and Nemours KidsHealth. This is a way to organize what you see, never a diagnosis.

Signs you've noticed0
Out of6

Nothing ticked. Keep noticing and praising effort.

How Parents Say It

  • "She won't even try out, she says she'll be terrible."
  • "He's so hard on himself."
  • "I want her to feel good about who she is."

The Breakdown

Building it by age (examples from Nemours KidsHealth)

StageChances for self-esteem to grow
ToddlersToddlerA child from 1 to 3 years old, the stage CDC's parenting guidance places between infancy and the preschool years. See moreLearning small skills, like holding a cup
Young childrenGetting dressed, riding a bike, learning to read
School ageHelping at home, doing favors for a sibling, service projects, where they see that what they do matters to others
Every agePraise for effort, and no harsh labels like "lazy"

Signs of low self-esteem, per HealthyChildren.org

  • Avoiding a task or challenge without trying, often from fear of failing
  • Quitting soon after starting, at the first frustration
  • Cheating or lying when they expect to lose or do poorly
  • Self-critical comments such as "Nobody likes me" or "I'm ugly"

How to help

  1. Let them do things for themselves, even slowly.
  2. Praise the effort and the specific thing they did, which lines up with the descriptive and process praiseProcess praisePraise for how a child worked, such as effort, strategy, focus or persistence, rather than for a trait like being smart or talented. See more pages.
  3. Drop harsh words. KidsHealth notes that calling a child lazy doesn't motivate them and can hurt.
  4. Give them real ways to help others.

When to talk to the doctor. If the signs keep showing up, or they come with changes in mood, sleep or friendships, talk with your child's pediatrician or the school counselor.

Good to Know

Praise that names the effort or strategy a child used shows them how to succeed again, which is the idea behind descriptive praiseDescriptive praisePraise that names exactly what the child did well, such as "You put every block back in the bin," in place of a general "Good job." See more and process praise. Nemours KidsHealth adds that self-esteem grows when kids see that what they do matters to other people, so real jobs at home belong alongside the compliments.

FAQ

What are signs of low self-esteem in a child?

HealthyChildren.org lists avoiding challenges without trying, quitting soon after starting, cheating or lying to avoid losing, and self-critical comments like "I never do anything right."

How can I build my child's self-esteem?

Nemours KidsHealth suggests helping them learn to do things themselves, praising effort, avoiding harsh criticism, and letting them help others so they see that what they do matters.

Can too much praise hurt self-esteem?

It depends on the kind. In Carol Dweck's Stanford studies, children praised for effort took on harder problems, while children praised for being smartSave More TomorrowA savings plan by Richard Thaler and Shlomo Benartzi in which you agree now to raise your retirement contribution each time you get a pay raise. See more tended to avoid them.

Do It in Buhata

Household Rewards

Set up small household jobs in Household Rewards in Buhata that your child can finish on their own, so they get regular chances to see their help count.

Open Buhata

Related Terms and Categories

  • Descriptive praise

    Praise that names exactly what the child did well, such as "You put every block back in the bin," in place of a general "Good job."

  • Process praise

    Praise for how a child worked, such as effort, strategy, focus or persistence, rather than for a trait like being smart or talented.

  • Growth mindset

    The belief that abilities like intelligence and talent can grow with effort, good strategies and help, a term from psychologist Carol Dweck.

  • Resilience

    The capacity to adapt and keep developing well in the face of hardship. In children it's built above all through a stable, supportive relationship with an adult.

  • Body positivity for kids

    Helping a child feel comfortable in and respectful of their own body, with family talk centered on health and what bodies can do rather than on weight.

  • Friendship skills

    The abilities that help a child make and keep friends, such as sharing, taking turns, joining in, handling disagreements and caring how a friend feels.

Parenting and child development

Sources

Nemours KidsHealth, "Your Child's Self-Esteem"; Nemours KidsHealth, "9 Ways to Boost Your Child's Self-Esteem"; HealthyChildren.org (AAP), "Signs of Low Self-Esteem in Children & Teens"; Child Mind Institute, "Confidence and Self-Esteem in Children"

Last updated .