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Parenting and child development

Self-regulation

A child's growing ability to manage their own feelings, attention and actions, like calming down, waiting a turn or sticking with a hard task.

What It Means

Self-regulation is the ability to manage your own feelings, attention and behavior so you can do what a situation calls for, such as calming down after being upset, waiting for a turn, or keeping at a puzzle that's hard. In children it grows slowly, from birth into young adulthood. The Administration for Children and Families (ACF) describes it as built through co-regulationCo-regulationThe way a calm, caring adult helps a child manage feelings and behavior, through a warm relationship, a steady setting and coaching, until the child can do more alone. See more, where caring adults help a child manage what they can't yet manage alone.

Try It: Self-Regulation or Co-Regulation?

Is the child doing the regulating, or is an adult helping? Pick an answer for each. The scenes are examples.

A 5-year-old follows the rules of a board game all the way to the end.

You sit with your crying toddler and say, "You're mad the tower fell."

A 3-year-old settles into play within 10 minutes of childcare drop-off.

You give a five-minute warning before it's time to leave the park.

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How Parents Say It

  • "She's learning to wait her turn."
  • "He used to throw the controller when he lost."
  • "Take a breath, then tell me what happened."

The Breakdown

How self-regulation shows up, by age

AgeWhat you may seeSource
12 to 18 monthsTantrums usually begin, since feelings run ahead of words and self-controlHealthyChildren.org (AAP)
2 to 3 yearsTantrums often get worse, then taper off as words arriveHealthyChildren.org (AAP)
By 3 yearsMost children calm down within 1010,000 stepsA popular daily step goal that began as the name of a 1960s Japanese pedometer; later studies find health benefits begin well below it. See more minutes after a parent leaves, like at childcare drop-offCDC
By 5 yearsMost children follow rules or take turns when playing games with other childrenCDC
Into young adulthoodSelf-regulation is still developing, with support from caring adultsACF

Children vary widely, so use these ages as a guide for a conversation with the doctor rather than a test.

How adults help it grow. ACF describes three supports: a warm, responsive relationship, a predictable setting, and coaching and modeling of the skills. The Harvard Center on the Developing Child pairs self-regulation with executive functionExecutive functionThe mental skills that let a person plan, focus, remember instructions and control impulses: working memory, mental flexibility and self-control. See more, the working memory, mental flexibility and self-control that make it possible.

When to talk to the doctor. If your child's outbursts are much stronger or longer than other children the same age, if they hurt themselves or others, or you're worried about attention or self-control at school, talk with your pediatrician and bring examples.

Good to Know

Self-control is one piece of self-regulation, which covers feelings, attention and behavior together. ACF's research office notes that the home environment, and a child's relationship with parents and main caregivers, has the biggest influence on how these skills develop.

FAQ

What is self-regulation in simple terms?

It's a child managing their own feelings, attention and behavior, like calming down, waiting or staying on a task. Adults help it grow through co-regulation until the child can do more alone.

At what age do kids learn self-regulation?

It develops from birth through young adulthood, according to ACF. CDC's checklists show milestonesDevelopmental milestonesSkills most children can do by a certain age, like rolling over or waving bye-bye. CDC places each at the age 75% or more of children reach it. See more along the way, such as calming within 10 minutes after a parent leaves by 3 years and taking turns in games by 5.

How is self-regulation different from co-regulation?

In self-regulation the child does the managing. In co-regulation a caring adult helps, through a warm relationship, a steady setting and coaching.

Do It in Buhata

Tasks, Household Space

Set up the bedtime routine as a short list of Tasks in your Household Space in Buhata, so the steps stay the same every night and your child knows what comes next.

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Related Terms and Categories

  • Co-regulation

    The way a calm, caring adult helps a child manage feelings and behavior, through a warm relationship, a steady setting and coaching, until the child can do more alone.

  • Emotional regulation

    The growing ability to notice a feeling and manage how strongly it shows and how long it lasts, so a child can calm down and carry on.

  • Executive function

    The mental skills that let a person plan, focus, remember instructions and control impulses: working memory, mental flexibility and self-control.

Parenting and child development

Sources

Administration for Children and Families, OPRE, "Co-Regulation From Birth Through Young Adulthood: A Practice Brief"; Administration for Children and Families, OPRE, "Self-Regulation Snap Shot #1: A Focus on Infants and Toddlers"; Harvard Center on the Developing Child, "A Guide to Executive Function"; CDC, "Milestones by 3 Years"; CDC, "Milestones by 5 Years"; HealthyChildren.org (AAP), "Top Tips for Surviving Tantrums"

Last updated .