Emotional regulation

What It Means

Emotional regulation is the ability to notice a feeling, like anger, fear or disappointment, and manage how strongly it comes out and how long it takes to settle. Children build it gradually, with a lot of help from the adults around them. CDC's parenting pages for toddlersToddlerA child from 1 to 3 years old, the stage CDC's parenting guidance places between infancy and the preschool years. See more suggest naming emotionsName it to tame itDr. Dan Siegel's phrase for calming a strong feeling by putting it into words, naming the emotion out loud or on paper so it feels more manageable. See more out loud, because putting a word to a feeling helps a child recognize it and feel more in control.

How Parents Say It

• "She goes from zero to a hundred in a second."
• "He's getting better at calming down on his own."
• "Let's take a big breath and try again."

The Breakdown

What to expect, by age

Every child is different, and some take longer to settle than others the same age.

How adults help. The AAP advises staying calm yourself, keeping everyone safe, and showing the self-control you want your child to learn. CDC's toddler pages describe time-in, where you stay with your child through the hard moment. HealthyChildren.org suggests movement and senses as outlets, such as a big hug, jumping, a favorite book or music, and practicing a calming picture of a person or place once your child is calm again.

When to talk to the doctor. Talk with your pediatrician if you're concerned about your child's outbursts. The AAP's HealthyChildren.org pages suggest a call if a child seems unusually aggressive for longer than a few weeks and you can't manage it on your own.

Good to Know

HealthyChildren.org suggests practicing calming ideas, like picturing a person or place that makes your child feel calm and strong, at a time when your child is already settled. CDC's "Essentials for Parenting Toddlers" site has free videos and tips on emotion coachingEmotion coachingA way of responding to a child's feelings: notice the emotion, connect, listen, help name it, then solve the problem together, with limits on behavior. See more and time-in.

Related Terms and Categories

• Self-regulation

  A child's growing ability to manage their own feelings, attention and actions, like calming down, waiting a turn or sticking with a hard task.

• Co-regulation

  The way a calm, caring adult helps a child manage feelings and behavior, through a warm relationship, a steady setting and coaching, until the child can do more alone.

• Emotion coaching

  A way of responding to a child's feelings: notice the emotion, connect, listen, help name it, then solve the problem together, with limits on behavior.

• Tantrum vs meltdown

  A tantrum is an outburst in which a child still has some control; a meltdown is a loss of control from feeling overwhelmed.

Parenting and child development