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Parenting and child development

Co-regulation

The way a calm, caring adult helps a child manage feelings and behavior, through a warm relationship, a steady setting and coaching, until the child can do more alone.

What It Means

Co-regulation is the back-and-forth process through which a caring adult helps a child manage feelings, attention and behavior. The federal Administration for Children and Families (ACF) describes three kinds of support in it: a warm, responsive relationship; a structured, supportive setting; and teaching self-regulation skillsSelf-regulationA child's growing ability to manage their own feelings, attention and actions, like calming down, waiting a turn or sticking with a hard task. See more through coaching, modeling and feedback. Over time, the child takes over more of the work, which is how self-regulation grows.

Try It: Tick the Co-Regulation You Did Today

Tick what you did with your child today. Each pair matches one of ACF's three supports. The actions are examples.

Warm relationship0
Supportive setting0
Coaching and modeling0

A tick in each column means all three kinds of support showed up.

How Parents Say It

  • "I stayed calm so she could calm down."
  • "He borrows my calm when he's upset."
  • "We sat on the floor together until the storm passed."

The Breakdown

What it looks like as children grow

StageWhat co-regulation can look likeSource
Infants and toddlersToddlerA child from 1 to 3 years old, the stage CDC's parenting guidance places between infancy and the preschool years. See moreStaying close through a hard moment, which CDC's toddler pages call time-in, and naming the feeling out loudCDC; ACF's snapshot on infants and toddlers
Preschool and school ageCoaching a calm-down skill, keeping routines predictable, and showing your own calmACF
Teens and young adultsHelping them find and build supportive settings, and staying a steady person to talk toACF

ACF says each support looks different at each age, and that co-regulation stays an important source of support into young adulthood. It also names the home, and a child's relationship with parents and main caregivers, as the biggest influence on how self-regulation develops.

The three supports, in plain terms

  • A warm, responsive relationship. Your child can count on you to notice and respond.
  • A structured setting. Routines and a predictable day take some strain off.
  • Coaching and modeling. You name feelings, show calm, and give feedback when your child tries a skill.

When to talk to the doctor. If your child rarely settles even with your help, or outbursts are hurting people or getting in the way of daycare, school or sleep, talk with your pediatrician.

Good to Know

The AAP notes that children learn a lot by watching and copying the adults who care for them, so your own calm is part of the process. A short pause for your own breath before you step in counts as co-regulation too. ACF's research office (OPRE) publishes free briefs on co-regulation from birth through young adulthood, and HeadStart.gov carries its self-regulation snapshot series.

FAQ

What's the difference between co-regulation and self-regulation?

In co-regulation, an adult helps the child manage feelings and behavior. Self-regulation is the child doing it alone. ACF describes co-regulation as the way self-regulation skills are built.

What are examples of co-regulation?

Staying close and calm during a tantrum, naming a feeling out loud, keeping routines steady, and taking a slow breath where your child can see. ACF groups these into a warm relationship, a supportive setting, and coaching.

At what age do children stop needing co-regulation?

ACF's practice brief says it remains an important support into young adulthood. What changes with age is how it looks, from holding a baby to talking a teenager through a hard week.

Do It in Buhata

Household Space, Handoff Card

Add the calm-down routine that works for your child to your Handoff Card (Premium) in Buhata, so a grandparent or sitter can co-regulate the same way you do.

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Related Terms and Categories

  • Self-regulation

    A child's growing ability to manage their own feelings, attention and actions, like calming down, waiting a turn or sticking with a hard task.

  • Emotional regulation

    The growing ability to notice a feeling and manage how strongly it shows and how long it lasts, so a child can calm down and carry on.

  • Emotion coaching

    A way of responding to a child's feelings: notice the emotion, connect, listen, help name it, then solve the problem together, with limits on behavior.

  • Connection before correction

    A parenting idea from Jane Nelsen's Positive Discipline: calm and reconnect with an upset child first, then deal with the behavior together.

Parenting and child development

Sources

American Academy of Pediatrics, "Handling Big Emotions"; Administration for Children and Families, OPRE, "Co-Regulation From Birth Through Young Adulthood: A Practice Brief"; Administration for Children and Families, OPRE, "Self-Regulation Snap Shot #1: A Focus on Infants and Toddlers"; HeadStart.gov, "Strategies for Supporting Self-Regulation: Snapshot Series"; CDC, "How to Use Time-In," Essentials for Parenting Toddlers; CDC, "Tips for Noticing and Naming Emotions," Essentials for Parenting Toddlers

Last updated .