What It Means
A state of the union meeting is a standing weekly conversation between partners, set aside for the relationship itself. The Gottman Institute, which says Dr. John Gottman created it, describes about an hour once a week. It starts with appreciation and what went right, and then the couple takes one area of tension, with one partner speaking and the other listening, so each feels understood before anyone tries to solve anything.
Try It: Walk Through the Four Parts of the Meeting
Step through the meeting in the order the Gottman Institute describes. Use it as your agenda the first few times.
Appreciations
Take turns naming five things your partner did this week that you valued, and what each says about them.
What went right
Talk about what worked between you this week, such as handling a stressful day as a team.
One issue: understand first
Pick one area of tension. One of you speaks, the other listens and tries to grasp the feelings behind it. Then swap.
Then look for a compromise
Only once you both feel heard, work out what each of you can live with.
How It Sounds at Home
- "Sunday night is our state of the union."
- "Let's save that for the meeting this week."
- "Okay, five appreciations first, then the dishwasher thing."
The Breakdown
Signs a weekly meeting could help
- Small irritations pile up until they come out sideways.
- Big conversations only happen in the middle of an argument.
- One of you feels the good things go unmentioned.
- You keep meaning to talk about something and the week runs out.
A quick self-check. Note which of these were true in the past month:
- You told your partner something specific you appreciated about them.
- A problem got talked through while you were both calm.
- Each of you felt heard before you moved to fixing it.
If two or more weren't, a regular, calm slot for the relationship could be useful.
A way to start the conversation. "I read about couples setting aside an hour a week to check in, starting with what went well. Want to try it this Sunday after dinner and see how it feels?" Keep the first meeting light: appreciations and what went right, and save the hardest topic for a later week.
Where It Comes From
The Gottman Institute says Dr. John Gottman created the state of the union meeting as a structured way for couples to feel heard before they problem solve. The Institute's articles split the issue discussion into two parts: understanding each other first, then reaching a compromise.
Good to Know
Most of the weight sits on the Gottman Institute's speaker and listener roles. The speaker chooses words that don't leave the other partner feeling cornered, and turns a criticism into a wish. Meanwhile the listener's job is to understand the speaker's feelings before offering any advice. If the same topic keeps ending in a fight, a licensed couples therapist can help you run the meeting together.
FAQ
How long should a state of the union meeting be?
The Gottman Institute describes about an hour, once a week. A shorter meeting that really happens every week is a reasonable place to begin.
What do you talk about in a state of the union meeting?
It opens with five appreciations each and a talk about what went right that week. Then you take one area of tension, with one partner speaking and the other listening, and look for a compromise only after both feel understood.
Who created the state of the union meeting?
The Gottman Institute credits Dr. John Gottman with creating it.
Do It in Buhata
Calendar and Reminders
Add a weekly repeating Calendar event called "State of the union" in your Household Space in Buhata, with a Reminder an hour before so neither of you has to remember it.
Open BuhataRelated Terms and Categories
- Family meeting
A short, regular sit-down where everyone in the household shares news, looks ahead at the week and makes decisions together.
- Weekly review
A regular session, usually weekly, where you clear your inboxes, bring your lists and calendar up to date and decide what matters next.
- Soft startup
The Gottman Institute's term for opening a hard conversation gently: how you feel about one specific situation and what you need, without blame.
- Active listening
Listening with full attention and showing you understood, by reflecting back what the other person said and felt before you reply with your own view.
- Repair attempt
Any word or gesture during an argument that tries to calm things down and keep it from escalating, like a joke, an apology or "can we take a break?"
Sources
The Gottman Institute, "How to Have a State of the Union Meeting"; The Gottman Institute, "How to Strengthen Your Relationship with State of the Union Meetings"; The Gottman Institute, "Understanding Each Other: The First Part of the State of The Union Meeting"; The Gottman Institute, "Reaching a Compromise: The Second Part of the State of the Union Meeting"; The Gottman Institute, "Transforming Criticism into Wishes: A Recipe for Successful Conflict"
- www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-have-a-state-of-the-union-meeting
- www.gottman.com/blog/state-of-the-union-meeting-will-strengthen-your-relationship-heres-how-to-start-yours
- www.gottman.com/blog/understanding-first-part-state-union-meeting
- www.gottman.com/blog/reaching-compromise-second-part-state-union-meeting
- www.gottman.com/blog/transforming-criticism-into-wishes-a-recipe-for-successful-conflict
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