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Relationships and shared household

Repair attempt

Any word or gesture during an argument that tries to calm things down and keep it from escalating, like a joke, an apology or "can we take a break?"

What It Means

A repair attempt is anything one partner says or does in the middle of a disagreement to lower the tension and keep it from spiraling. The Gottman Institute defines it broadly: verbal, physical or otherwise, from a joke to a softer voice to "can we start over?" What makes it a repair is the intent behind it: to slow the fight down before it does more damage.

Try It: Flip Through Six Kinds of Repair Attempt

Open each card for a kind of repair attempt, with an example line. The kinds and examples come from the Gottman Institute's articles.

Humor

"Well, this is going well!" A light line can break the tension.

A caring remark

"I understand this is hard for you." It shows you see their side.

Common ground

"We'll tackle this together." It puts you on the same team.

Asking for a pause

"Can we take a break?" Slowing down counts as a repair.

A peace offering

"Shall I make us a cup of tea?" A small gesture can say what words can't yet.

Owning your tone

"I know I've got that tone." Admitting it takes the sting out.

Buhata's suggestion: when your partner offers one, try to meet it halfway.

How It Sounds at Home

  • "Can we hit rewind on that?"
  • "Okay, I'm getting loud. Let me try again."
  • "Truce? I'll make the coffee."

The Breakdown

Signs repair is working in your home

  • Arguments slow down partway instead of only getting louder.
  • A joke or a softer tone gets a softer reply back.
  • Either of you can call a pause without it becoming a new fight.
  • After a disagreement, you're back to normal within the day.

A quick self-check. Think of your last argument. Did either of you try to calm it down mid-way, and did the other accept it? If repair attempts are being offered but ignored, the habit to build is noticing and accepting them. The Gottman Institute publishes a short quiz on how well a couple repairs.

A way to start the conversation. While things are calm, agree on a phrase that means "let's slow down": "If either of us says 'rewind', we both stop and start again more gently. Want to try that?"

Where It Comes From

The term comes from Dr. John Gottman's research on couples. The Gottman Institute quotes him calling repair attempts the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples, and says his research found the success or failure of a couple's repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether a marriage does well.

Good to Know

Repair attempts between partners are a separate idea from rupture and repairRupture and repairThe normal cycle of falling out of sync with a child (a rupture) and reconnecting afterward (a repair), studied in parent and infant research. See more in parent and child research, which comes from Edward Tronick's studies of infants and caregivers. The Gottman Institute also sorts repairs into two broad kinds: cognitive ones, like compromising, taking a break or asking what your partner meant, and emotional ones, like affection, taking responsibility or humor. If arguments at home keep escalating despite your best efforts, a licensed couples therapist can help.

FAQ

What is a repair attempt in a relationship?

Any statement or action during an argument meant to defuse it and keep it from escalating. The Gottman Institute's examples range from humor to "can we take a break?" to offering a cup of tea.

What if my partner rejects my repair attempts?

Try a different kind, or ask for a short break and come back when you're both calmer. Talking later about which repairs work for each of you can make the next one easier to accept.

Is a repair attempt the same as an apology?

An apology can be one, but repair attempts are broader. A joke, a gentle touch, admitting your tone or suggesting a pause can all count.

Do It in Buhata

Household Notes

Write the repair phrases you've agreed on, like "rewind", in Household Notes in your Buhata Household Space so they're there when you need them.

Open Buhata

Related Terms and Categories

  • Rupture and repair

    The normal cycle of falling out of sync with a child (a rupture) and reconnecting afterward (a repair), studied in parent and infant research.

  • Stonewalling

    Shutting down during an argument by going silent, looking away and no longer responding, one of the Gottman Institute's four patterns that harm couples.

  • Soft startup

    The Gottman Institute's term for opening a hard conversation gently: how you feel about one specific situation and what you need, without blame.

  • Defensiveness

    Answering a partner's complaint by protecting yourself with excuses, blame or a counter-complaint instead of hearing it, one of the Gottman Institute's four horsemen.

  • Bids for connection

    A small attempt to get a partner's attention, interest or affection, such as a comment, a question or a touch, in the Gottman Institute's terms.

Relationships and shared household

Sources

The Gottman Institute, "How to Make Repair Attempts So Your Partner Feels Loved"; The Gottman Institute, "R is for Repair"; The Gottman Institute, "Love Quiz: How Well Do You Repair Your Relationship?"; The Gottman Institute, "The Top 7 Ways To Improve Your Marriage"

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