What It Means
Emotion coaching is a way of responding when a child is upset: you notice the feeling, treat it as a moment to connect, listen, help the child put a name to it, and then work out what to do. All feelings are accepted, while behavior still has limits. CDC's toddlerToddlerA child from 1 to 3 years old, the stage CDC's parenting guidance places between infancy and the preschool years. See more pages teach it as five steps (notice, connect, listen, name, find good solutions), and psychologist John Gottman described a similar five-step approach from his research on families.
Try It: Compare CDC's and Gottman's Five Steps
Switch between the two versions. They cover the same ground in a slightly different order.
- Notice. Eye contact, a smile or a gentle touch shows you see them.
- Connect. Stay close and show you care.
- Listen. Let your words, tone and body language show empathy.
- Name. Put the feeling into simple words: "You're sad."
- Find good solutions. Once calmer, decide together what to do.
- Be aware of your child's emotion.
- See it as a chance for closeness and teaching.
- Listen with empathy and validate the feeling.
- Help label the emotion with words.
- Set limits while helping solve the problem.
In both, feelings are always accepted and behavior still has limits.
How Parents Say It
- "You're really disappointed the party got canceled."
- "You can be mad, and I still won't let you throw things."
- "Let's figure out what might help next time."
The Breakdown
What it looks like by age
| Age | What emotion coaching can look like | Source |
|---|---|---|
| 2 to 4 years | Notice early, name the feeling in simple words, use a feelings chart, accept every emotion, then pick a solution together | CDC, Essentials for Parenting Toddlers |
| School age | After listening, set a limit on behavior and help the child think through solutions, such as asking whether a plan to ignore a classmate who teased them would be fair | Gottman Institute |
| Teens | CDC publishes a separate set of emotion coaching tips for parents of teens | CDC, Essentials for Parenting Teens |
Steps to try today
- Notice the feeling early, before it becomes a meltdown.
- Get close and connect.
- Listen without rushing to fix it.
- Name it: "You're frustrated the tower fell."
- Once calm, work out a next step together, and hold any limit on behavior.
When to talk to the doctor. If your child rarely settles even with your help, or outbursts are frequent, intense or hurt people, talk with your pediatrician. The AAP's HealthyChildren.org pages suggest a call if a child seems unusually aggressive for longer than a few weeks.
Where It Comes From
Psychologist John Gottman developed his five-step emotion coaching approach from studies of parents and children, and his book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child draws on research with more than 120 families, according to the Gottman Institute. CDC teaches emotion coaching in its free Essentials for Parenting programs for toddlers and teens.
Good to Know
Gottman's step on limits sums up the balance: a child's behavior may not always be acceptable, but their feelings and wishes are. CDC adds that toddlers and preschoolersPreschoolerA child from 3 to 5 years old, the age band the CDC uses for its preschool parenting guidance. See more may struggle to understand or manage their emotions without an adult's guidance, and that accepting all feelings, including the unhappy ones, is part of the method. Emotion coaching fits with time-in, where you stay with your child through the hard moment.
FAQ
What are the five steps of emotion coaching?
CDC's version is notice, connect, listen, name and find good solutions. Gottman's is be aware of the emotion, see it as a chance to connect and teach, listen with empathy, help label it, and set limitsLimit settingDeciding and calmly holding the rules for what a child may and may not do, explained in words the child can understand and followed through every time. See more while solving the problem.
Who came up with emotion coaching?
The Gottman Institute credits the approach to psychologist John Gottman's research on how parents respond to children's emotions. CDC teaches its own five-step version for parents of young children.
Does emotion coaching mean giving in to my child?
No. Both versions accept the feeling while keeping limits on behavior. You can say "I know you're angry" and still not allow hitting.
Do It in Buhata
Handoff Card
Write the words that help your child name and settle a feeling, like "You're frustrated, let's breathe," on your Handoff Card (Premium) in Buhata, so every caregiver coaches the same way.
Open BuhataRelated Terms and Categories
- Emotional regulation
The growing ability to notice a feeling and manage how strongly it shows and how long it lasts, so a child can calm down and carry on.
- Co-regulation
The way a calm, caring adult helps a child manage feelings and behavior, through a warm relationship, a steady setting and coaching, until the child can do more alone.
- Connection before correction
A parenting idea from Jane Nelsen's Positive Discipline: calm and reconnect with an upset child first, then deal with the behavior together.
Sources
CDC, "Tips for Noticing and Naming Emotions," Essentials for Parenting Toddlers; CDC, "Tips for Coaching Teens to Recognize and Manage Emotions," Essentials for Parenting Teens; The Gottman Institute, "An Introduction to Emotion Coaching"; The Gottman Institute, "Emotion Coaching Step 5: Helping the Child Problem Solve and Setting Limits"; The Gottman Institute, "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child"
- www.cdc.gov/parenting-toddlers/noticing-and-naming/emotion-coaching.html
- www.cdc.gov/parenting-teens/tips-coaching-emotions/index.html
- www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotion-coaching
- www.gottman.com/blog/emotion-coaching-step-5-helping-the-child-problem-solve-and-setting-limits
- www.gottman.com/product/raising-an-emotionally-intelligent-child-book
Last updated .