Connection before correction

What It Means

Connection before correction is the idea that a parent reconnects with an upset or misbehaving child first, with calm, warmth and understanding, and only then deals with what went wrong. It's one of the tools in Positive DisciplinePositive disciplineDiscipline that teaches a child how to behave through modeling, clear limits, calm consequences and attention, without hitting, yelling or shaming. See more, the approach developed by Dr. Jane Nelsen, which holds that children are open to correction once they feel a sense of belonging. The correction that follows is meant to be respectful and worked out with the child, not a punishment.

How Parents Say It

• "Connect first, then we'll talk about the hitting."
• "I sat with him until he calmed down, then we fixed it."
• "She can't hear me when she's that upset."

The Breakdown

The steps

1. Make the moment safe. Stop anyone getting hurt and calm your own voice.
2. Connect. Get to your child's level, name the feeling, and show you understand why they're upset.
3. Wait until your child is calm enough to listen.
4. Correct together. Say the limit plainly and ask your child to help find what to do next time, or how to make it right.
5. Follow through on the plan you agreed.

What it looks like by age

These rows are examples of the approach, not a fixed script.

A short version to try today. Next time your child melts down over a limit, say the feeling out loud before you say the rule, and wait for calm before you say anything else.

When to talk to the doctor. If outbursts are frequent or intense, or behavior is hurting others or getting in the way of childcare or school, talk with your pediatrician.

Where It Comes From

The phrase comes from Positive Discipline, the parenting and classroom approach developed by Dr. Jane Nelsen. Positive Discipline's site traces its focus on connection to Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs and their idea that children need a sense of belonging and significance.

Good to Know

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and CDC don't use this exact phrase, but CDC's parenting pages for toddlers describe similar moves: time-in, where you stay with your child through a hard moment, and emotion coachingEmotion coachingA way of responding to a child's feelings: notice the emotion, connect, listen, help name it, then solve the problem together, with limits on behavior. See more, whose steps are noticing, connecting, listening, naming the feeling and finding good solutions. Positive Discipline's site says punishment, lecturing, nagging, scolding and shaming tend to push children into fight, flight or freeze, which is why connection comes first. The limit still stands, and the correction comes once your child can hear it.

Related Terms and Categories

• Co-regulation

  The way a calm, caring adult helps a child manage feelings and behavior, through a warm relationship, a steady setting and coaching, until the child can do more alone.

• Positive discipline

  Discipline that teaches a child how to behave through modeling, clear limits, calm consequences and attention, without hitting, yelling or shaming.

• Emotion coaching

  A way of responding to a child's feelings: notice the emotion, connect, listen, help name it, then solve the problem together, with limits on behavior.

• Rupture and repair

  The normal cycle of falling out of sync with a child (a rupture) and reconnecting afterward (a repair), studied in parent and infant research.

Parenting and child development