What It Means
Love languagesLove languagesGary Chapman's idea that people give and feel love in five main ways: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. See more for kids applies Gary Chapman's five love languages to children. In "The 5 Love Languages of Children," Chapman and psychiatrist Ross Campbell suggest that every child has a primary way they feel loved: words of affirmationWords of affirmationOne of Gary Chapman's five love languages: showing love through spoken or written words, such as specific compliments, thanks and encouragement. See more, quality time, receiving giftsReceiving giftsOne of Gary Chapman's five love languages: feeling loved through thoughtful gifts, where the thought and effort behind the gift matter more than its price. See more, acts of serviceActs of serviceOne of Gary Chapman's five love languages: showing love by doing helpful things that lighten the other person's load, like a chore or an errand. See more or physical touchPhysical touchOne of Gary Chapman's five love languages: showing love through welcome, affectionate touch, such as hugs, holding hands or a hand on the shoulder. See more. Parents are encouraged to notice which one fits their child and speak it often. The approach is the authors' own and isn't a medical or developmental guideline.
Try It: Match What Your Child Asks For to a Love Language
Pick what your child asks for or does most often. The five languages are Chapman and Campbell's; the ideas to try are Buhata's examples.
Words of affirmation. Try a note in their lunch that names something they did well.
Quality time. Try 15 minutes a day of one-on-one play they choose.
Receiving gifts. Try a small, thoughtful find, like a leaf or a sticker, with a word about why.
Acts of service. Try helping with one thing they ask, without a lecture about doing it alone.
Physical touch. Try a hug at goodbye and pickup, or a back rub at bedtime.
Treat the answer as a starting point, and watch how your child responds over a few weeks.
How Parents Say It
- "His love language is definitely quality time."
- "She keeps every rock I give her; that's gifts."
- "My kid would live in my lap if I let him."
The Breakdown
The five love languages, with examples for children
| Language | What it can look like with a child (examples) |
|---|---|
| Words of affirmation | Specific praiseDescriptive praisePraise that names exactly what the child did well, such as "You put every block back in the bin," in place of a general "Good job." See more, a note in a lunchbox, "I'm proud of how hard you tried" |
| Quality time | One-on-oneOne-on-one meetingA regular private meeting between a manager and one person who reports to them, used for check-ins, feedback, problems and career growth. See more play, a walk together, reading side by side |
| Receiving gifts | Small, thoughtful items, the meaning more than the price |
| Acts of service | Helping fix a toy, making a favorite breakfast |
| Physical touch | Hugs, sitting close, a hand on the shoulder |
How to spot your child's language, by age
- ToddlersToddlerA child from 1 to 3 years old, the stage CDC's parenting guidance places between infancy and the preschool years. See more and preschoolers: watch what they ask for when they want you, and what calms them when upset.
- School-age children: notice how they show love to you and others, and what they complain about missing.
- Teens: ask them directly; the answer can change as they grow.
These pointers are Buhata's suggestions, built on the authors' idea of noticing a child's primary language.
When to talk to the doctor. A love language is a way to think about connection. If your child seems withdrawn, anxious or hard to comfort whatever you try, talk to the pediatrician.
Where It Comes From
Gary Chapman, PhD, wrote the bestselling "The 5 Love Languages." He also co-wrote "The 5 Love Languages of Children" with Ross Campbell, MD, a psychiatrist who spent more than 30 years on the relationship between parents and children and wrote "How to Really Love Your Child."
Good to Know
Love languages are an idea from the authors' books, and the fact check didn't find the AAP or CDC recommending them, so treat them as one way of thinking about connection rather than clinical guidance.
FAQ
What are the 5 love languages for kids?
Words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch, as Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell describe them in "The 5 Love Languages of Children."
How do I find my child's love language?
Watch what your child asks for when they want you and how they show love to others. Chapman and Campbell's book is built around finding a child's primary language and speaking it.
Is the love languages approach backed by research?
It comes from the authors' books, and this fact check didn't find the AAP or CDC recommending it. It works best as a prompt to notice what your child responds to, and it can't diagnose or treat anything.
Do It in Buhata
Calendar and Notes
Put a recurring one-on-one time on the Calendar in Buhata, and jot down in Notes (Premium) what your child responds to most so you can see a pattern over a few weeks.
Open BuhataRelated Terms and Categories
- Love languages
Gary Chapman's idea that people give and feel love in five main ways: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch.
- Quality time with kids
Time a parent spends giving a child full, undistracted attention, like a few minutes of one-on-one play where the child leads.
- Words of affirmation
One of Gary Chapman's five love languages: showing love through spoken or written words, such as specific compliments, thanks and encouragement.
- Acts of service
One of Gary Chapman's five love languages: showing love by doing helpful things that lighten the other person's load, like a chore or an errand.
- Physical touch
One of Gary Chapman's five love languages: showing love through welcome, affectionate touch, such as hugs, holding hands or a hand on the shoulder.
Sources
The 5 Love Languages (official site), "What are The 5 Love Languages?"; The 5 Love Languages (official site), "The 5 Love Languages of Children"; The 5 Love Languages (official site), "Loving Your Children"; The 5 Love Languages (official site), home page
Last updated .