What It Means
Stonewalling is pulling out of a conflict conversation while it's still going: you stop answering, look away, go quiet or leave without a word. The Gottman Institute lists it with criticism, contempt and defensivenessDefensivenessAnswering a partner's complaint by protecting yourself with excuses, blame or a counter-complaint instead of hearing it, one of the Gottman Institute's four horsemen. See more as the "four horsemen", communication patterns it warns couples about. Its articles say stonewalling usually comes from being flooded, so overwhelmed that the body has gone into a stress response.
Try It: Take a 20-Minute Break to Calm Down
The Gottman Institute suggests a break of at least 20 minutes before going back to a heated talk. Say when you'll return, then start the clock.
Do something calming that takes your mind off the argument, like slow breathing or a walk. Skip rehearsing what you'll say.
Twenty minutes are up. Go back and pick up the conversation where you said you would.
How It Sounds at Home
- "He just shuts down and walks off."
- "Talking to her when she's like this is like talking to a wall."
- "I need a break. Can we finish this after dinner?"
The Breakdown
Signs of stonewalling
- Going silent or giving one-wordWord of the yearOne word a person picks to guide their year, or the word a dictionary names as best summing up a year. See more answers mid-argument.
- Turning to a phone or the TV while your partner is still talking.
- Leaving the room with no word about coming back.
- A racing heart, a blank mind, or feeling you can't think straight.
A quick self-check. Next time a disagreement heats up, notice your body. The Gottman Institute quotes Dr. Gottman saying that once your heart rate goes above 100 beats per minute, you won't be able to take in what your partner is saying, however hard you try. If that's where you are, a break helps more than pushing on.
A way to start the conversation. Agree on a signal while you're both calm: "When I start shutting down, I'll say I need 20 minutes, and I'll come back. Can we agree that's a pause, not walking out?" The difference between a break and stonewalling is that a break comes with a time to return.
Where It Comes From
In relationships, the term is best known from Dr. John Gottman's research with couples. The Gottman Institute uses it as one of the four horsemen, its name for four communication patterns it warns couples about, and pairs each one with an antidote.
Good to Know
The Gottman Institute's antidote is physiological self-soothingSelf-soothingCalming yourself when you're upset by deliberately using one of your five senses, like a warm drink, a soft blanket or a favorite song, to ease the distress. See more. Call a timeoutTime-outA short, set break in a time-out spot after a misbehavior a child was warned about, about one minute per year of age in CDC's toddler guidance. See more, then spend the break on something that calms your body instead of replaying the fight; the Institute says it takes at least 20 minutes for the body to settle. If a partner frightens, threatens, controls or hurts you, that's abuse rather than a communication problem. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential and open 24/7: call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788. In an emergency, call 911.
FAQ
Is stonewalling the same as the silent treatment?
They can look alike. The Gottman Institute describes stonewalling as shutting down from feeling overwhelmed during a conflict. If silence is being used to punish, frighten or control you, that goes beyond stonewalling, and the hotline in the section above can help.
How long should a break from an argument be?
The Gottman Institute says at least 20 minutes, because that's about how long the body takes to calm down. Say when you'll come back before you go.
How do I stop stonewalling?
Notice the signs of flooding early, ask for a break instead of going silent, and spend it calming your body. Then return at the time you agreed.
Do It in Buhata
Household Space and Reminders
Write your agreed break signal and return time in Household Notes in your Buhata Household Space, and set a 20-minute Reminder when you step away.
Open BuhataRelated Terms and Categories
- Defensiveness
Answering a partner's complaint by protecting yourself with excuses, blame or a counter-complaint instead of hearing it, one of the Gottman Institute's four horsemen.
- Criticism vs complaint
A complaint names one specific behavior that bothered you, while criticism turns it into an attack on the other person's character, often with "you always".
- Repair attempt
Any word or gesture during an argument that tries to calm things down and keep it from escalating, like a joke, an apology or "can we take a break?"
Sources
The Gottman Institute, "The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes"; The Gottman Institute, "Physiological Self-Soothing"; The Gottman Institute, "Help! Someone Told Me I'm Stonewalling"; The Gottman Institute, "Conversational Boundaries without Stonewalling"; National Domestic Violence Hotline, "Get Help"
- www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes
- www.gottman.com/blog/weekend-homework-assignment-physiological-self-soothing
- www.gottman.com/blog/help-someone-told-me-im-stonewalling
- www.gottman.com/blog/conversational-boundaries-without-stonewalling
- www.thehotline.org/get-help
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