What It Means
Positive discipline has two uses. (1) In everyday use, it means guiding a child by teaching: showing the behavior you want, setting clear rules, following through calmly, and paying attention to what goes well. This is the kind of discipline the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends in place of spanking, yelling or shaming. (2) Positive Discipline, capitalized, is a named parenting and classroom program created by Jane Nelsen, built on the ideas of psychologists Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs and known for being kind and firm at the same time.
Try It: Pick an Age and See the AAP's Discipline Tips
Pick your child's stage to see a few of the tips HealthyChildren.org (AAP) gives for it.
- Show the behavior you want to see.
- Say what to do: "Time to sit" in place of "Don't stand."
- Keep "no" for safety.
- Praise what you like and ignore behavior you want to fade.
- Plan around tiredness and other tantrum triggers.
- Use short time-outs, the same way each time.
- Expect some testing of limits.
- Give small chores with step-by-step directions.
- Offer choices you can live with.
- Talk through choices and their consequences.
- Explain family expectations and fair consequences.
- Tie privileges to responsibility.
- Pair steady support with clear boundaries.
- Talk every day and know their friends.
- Notice good choices out loud.
At every age, the AAP advises against spanking, hitting, yelling and shaming.
How Parents Say It
- "We're trying positive discipline, so no yelling."
- "Kind and firm, kind and firm."
- "She lost the toy for the day, and we moved on."
The Breakdown
What it looks like by age, per HealthyChildren.org (AAP)
| Stage | What the AAP suggests |
|---|---|
| Baby | Model the behavior you want, say what to do rather than what not to do, and save "no" for safety |
| ToddlerToddlerA child from 1 to 3 years old, the stage CDC's parenting guidance places between infancy and the preschool years. See more | Praise behavior you like, ignore what you want to fade, and use brief time-outsTime-outA short, set break in a time-out spot after a misbehavior a child was warned about, about one minute per year of age in CDC's toddler guidance. See more consistently |
| PreschoolerPreschoolerA child from 3 to 5 years old, the age band the CDC uses for its preschool parenting guidance. See more | Expect limit testing, give chores with clear steps, offer acceptable choices, and teach that anger is fine but hurting isn't |
| School age | Discuss choices and consequences, explain family expectations, and never use physical punishment |
| Teen | Balance unconditional support with clear boundaries, talk daily, and recognize good choices |
The AAP's core tools. HealthyChildren.org lists showing and telling, setting limitsLimit settingDeciding and calmly holding the rules for what a child may and may not do, explained in words the child can understand and followed through every time. See more, giving consequences, hearing your child out, giving attention, catching them being good, knowing when not to respond, preparing for trouble, redirecting, and time-out at about 1 minute per year of age.
Jane Nelsen's five criteria. Her Positive Discipline site says a tool should help a child feel a sense of belonging, be kind and firm at once, work over the long term, teach social and life skills, and help children see how capable they are. Her site also says the program avoids punishment, praise, rewards, punitive time-out and taking away privileges, which is stricter than the AAP and CDC, whose advice includes brief time-outs and rewards.
When to talk to the doctor. If your child's behavior worries you, or you find yourself losing your temper often, talk with your pediatrician. The AAP's HealthyChildren.org pages suggest a call if a child seems unusually aggressive for longer than a few weeks.
Where It Comes From
Jane Nelsen self-published the book Positive Discipline in 1981, and Ballantine began publishing it in 1987, according to her official site. She based it on the teachings of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, and a nonprofit, the Positive Discipline Association, now runs its training.
Good to Know
The AAP set out its current position in a 2018 policy statement, "Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children." It found that spanking, yelling at and shaming children work poorly in the short term and not at all in the long term, and it names limit setting, redirecting and setting expectations as healthier choices. HealthyChildren.org adds that harsh verbal discipline, even from parents who are otherwise warm, can lead to more misbehavior and to mental health problems.
FAQ
Is positive discipline the same as permissive parenting?
No. HealthyChildren.org's list of discipline tools starts with modeling, setting limits and giving consequences you follow through on. Permissive parentingPermissive parentingA parenting style that is warm and accepting but sets few rules or limits. Researchers also call it indulgent parenting; it is one of the four styles. See more sets few limits, while positive discipline keeps them and simply leaves out hitting, yelling and shaming.
Who created Positive Discipline?
Jane Nelsen, who self-published the book in 1981. Her site says the method rests on the work of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs.
Does positive discipline use time-outs?
The AAP includes them: warn first, name the rule in few words, and use about 1 minute per year of age. Nelsen's program avoids punitive time-out and prefers solutions worked out with the child.
Do It in Buhata
Handoff Card
Write your family's two or three house rules and the consequence for each on your Handoff Card (Premium) in Buhata, so a sitter or grandparent follows them the same way you do.
Open BuhataRelated Terms and Categories
- Positive parenting
Raising children through warmth, attention, praise for good behavior and teaching, with discipline that avoids harsh punishment. The CDC publishes age-by-age tips.
- Authoritative parenting
A parenting style that pairs warmth and responsiveness with clear rules and high expectations. It is one of the four styles in parenting research.
- Gentle parenting
An approach that pairs empathy for a child's feelings with clear, consistent limits, with the parent acting as a coach through hard moments.
- Logical consequences
A consequence a parent sets up that is directly tied to what the child did, like toys left out being put away for the rest of the day.
- Time-out
A short, set break in a time-out spot after a misbehavior a child was warned about, about one minute per year of age in CDC's toddler guidance.
- Connection before correction
A parenting idea from Jane Nelsen's Positive Discipline: calm and reconnect with an upset child first, then deal with the behavior together.
Sources
HealthyChildren.org (AAP), "What's the Best Way to Discipline My Child?"; HealthyChildren.org (AAP), "American Academy of Pediatrics Updates Policy on Corporal Punishment"; American Academy of Pediatrics, "Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children," Pediatrics, 2018; Positive Discipline, "About Positive Discipline"; Positive Discipline, "What is Positive Discipline?"; Positive Discipline, "A History of Positive Discipline"
- www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Disciplining-Your-Child.aspx
- www.healthychildren.org/English/news/Pages/AAP-Updates-Corporal-Punishment-Policy.aspx
- publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/142/6/e20183112/37452/Effective-Discipline-to-Raise-Healthy-Children
- www.positivediscipline.com/about-positive-discipline
- www.positivediscipline.com/articles/what-positive-discipline
- www.positivediscipline.com/articles/history-positive-discipline
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